There is hope

knew I was wrong. I knew I've gone against his will. I knew I've disobeyed him. I can't pray anymore neither can I read my Bible because I feel God is angry with me and he's ready to take away all that he has committed into my hands.

Guilt was eating me up, I kept remembering what I've done in the past and the messenger of the devil kept mocking me by saying "God trusted you and you have failed Him", these words always ring in my ears anytime I try to get up and continue in the journey of faith. 

But this voice kept me down, it kept me swimming in guilt and instead of forsaking the sin, I kept sinking in it because it seems like that's the only way I could comfort myself.  

I kept wondering how that at my level and growth in spiritual things as a believer, I could still do what I did. I was depressed, nothing spiritual made sense to me anymore. I felt very terrible because I was like the one who had committed treason. I looked like a rebel, I brought shame to the kingdom. 

Then I began to remember how I've taught many people to live without sin, to live an holy life, oh I broke down in tears and I felt like ending my life because I don't think I'm even worthy to stand before the people of God.

 I remember I thought on the topic; "seven powerful secrets to living a life of Purity" , this got me more broken and I cried bitterly.

 A suicidal thought crossed my mind, so, I moved towards the kitchen door to get a knife but then I stumbled on a writing that I had pasted at the back of my door, it says "but now is no condemnation to anyone who is in Christ Jesus "(Romans 8:1). I saw below it another scripture reference that says "but God commendeth his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us" (Romans 5: 6).

 Then I remembered that I had read in His word that "if God be for me who shall be against me? for he spared not his own son but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things. Who shall lay anything to the charge of Gods elect?" (Romans 8:31).

 I was getting calm when I saw this but almost immediately, I got very angry at myself when I heard a voice speak to my heart, "you are no longer an elect, you are not the chosen because you have failled God." I bowed down my head and I cried but when I looked up, I saw it boldly written at the back of my door, an inscription I made for a very long time. 

It read "ye, are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people." He said we've been called out of darkness but the previous voice I heard told me earlier that the verse wasn't talking to me. Oh!, so I just lost the position of a priest and I can no longer be useful to God anymore.

 However, the words of Jesus echoed in my ears, "my sheep hear my voice and I know them, they follow me and I give them eternal life they shall never perish neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand." 

Then it became clear to me that I'm still with God and nothing can pluck me out of his hand but because my mistake was a sin, I still did not feel justified. I was hoping he'd forgive me when I ask him to. I think I was wrong because the Bible says the blood of bulls and goats could no longer take away sins but the blood of our precious Jesus Christ took away our sins once and for all. 

As it is, Christ's redemptive work does not just last a year like the bulls and the goat, his life is eternal. Christ has forgiven me eternally and to the walk out of my identity would mean that I'm committing a sin

Therefore, it occurred to me that I had to repent and ask God for help but I'm still weak, the sin I committed was a weakness and I didn't do it of my own freewill. I heard a voice quoting 2nd Corinthians 12:9 to me " but he said to me my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ power may rest on me that is why for Christ sake I delight in my weakness, in insult, in hardship, in persecutions in difficulties for when I am weak and I am strong."

Also, Romans 8:33 came to mind again and I understood it this time. It says, " who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect,". It is God that justifies, so the devil has been lying and cheating me all this while, my justification is in Christ Jesus and those condemnation are not my reality because Christ didn't condemn me. He justified me. I am fine and free in Christ. I came against the voice in my head that was not of God and I became whole again. I stood up as a victor.

Never allow the devil's voice speak any lie to you. Meditate on God's word. Sin is not your nature. Therefore, anytime you find yourself in any kind of sin, it's best for you to go to God, confess and repent before him and believe that he didn't condemn you. Only ask that he helps you to stand firm and strong in him.

The devil is a liar. Do not give in to depression. Jesus loves you and is interested in you.